Cancer

what pops on your mind when you hear about cancer? Pretty scary huh? Well, cancer is scary because it travel faster than you could ever imagine. Eventho medical science claimed they already have the medication. But we all know, it would only slower the proggesion. The spesific cure? The worldwide is still searching for answer. Well, that isnt what I am gonna highlight about. I wanna tell you how this disease has been rooting my family for years. 2 persons im in my family died because of the cancer which I didnt know till now what kind of cancer it was. But I was told, the same type cancer were attacking both of them. First person died because of it was my uncle in law. I didnt remember exactly his condituon was because i was 4 or so back then. Of course, our parents never told me his real condition and i never got a chance either see him in worsened condition. But i what I noticed was he was healthy at my early years (then I was told he had been sufdering cancer), he was able to walk, joke around, and gather with us which i thought he was in perfect condition. But soon, he was only lying on his bed. Unable to move. But i thought that was normal for sick people. I didnt know he was blood vomitted productively. Didnt know either he wa hospitalized under a highly skilled doctors. I just knew that my funny uncle was gone. Left my cousin almost the same age with me.

Couple years later in 2007. I was 15 on that time. It was like a lightening struck our happy gathering day during our celebration. Who would expect my beloved granny was diagnosed cancer only from a toothache? Few months earlier, my granny complained about having toothache. My mother which lived hundred kilometres apart asked my granny to see the doctor. She gave her the money. But granny seemed to ignore the pain. Well, she was actively old business woman. She travelled from one city to another to meet her business partner which I now awed about. She was still ignorant eventho she her left cheek swolen. And the toothache remained to bleed. My mother was suspious. The normal toothache would never be this long and symptom would never be like that. Thus, my mom half force my granny to see the doctor. Shocking, doctor diagnosed cancer maybe developed inside her cheek. I my self was wondering. How could doctor diagnose her with csncer without proper examination? Well, following doctor's suggestion for biopsy, it was revealed that indeed my granny having cancer growing. I couldnt buy the thought that cancer would be that horrible, it was just a toothache and my granny still could walk! But yeah, the thought didnt last long. Finally cancer reveal itself. My granny left cheek swolen even bigger than before, blood and odor came from her mouth. She was under doctor cure and traditional one. Her cheek kept swelling, pushing out her eye. Doctors decided to perform surgery to remove the swollen part. I didnt understand the procedure they took. Maybe if it were happening now, i would be questioning them about these procedure which I now wonder about. We all had no clue at the time about the medication and so on. After surgery, my granny looked better, her swelling part was remove. She looked nearly normal. Them, i dont know what happened, doctors said that the cancer still there and even more malignant. It gave even more swelling cheek. We all were devastated but amazingly my granny looked still hopeful that she would recover. Again, she was undergoing the second surgery, removing her jaws. But gave no significant result as doctors said that it was invading her eyes. And her eyes needed to be remove. Our familh refused of course. Doctor didnt guarantee by removing her eyes would give her recovery. So our family decided to take her home to let her died there, which doctors agree about. I couldnt imagine if doctors removed the eyes. I did believe my granny would lose her confidence which she gradually losing. Her appearance changed. She got super thin, only covered with skin and lil fat the day she died. She productively vomitted blood. Her swollen face was bigger, poping her left eyes out, and we believed her eye was blind. Her food was only nutritional milk injected inside her faring for she didnt have teeth anymore.


I have the clear picture of cancer patient because it was my granny who suffered. And when i worked. I was assigned to see doctors in national cancer hospital. My bad memories revived. I did feel grief awaking inside my mind. But i said, i was fine. Insya Allah cancer was no more rooting in my family.

But several days a go, i had a whats app call. The cousin whose her father died of cancer was diagnosed with tumor inside her cheek. I was devastated. Well, it is too early to judge that tumor is similar with my granny had. All i can do is sending her prayer and support that thing has changed. Medication is getting advance, the study is more comprehensive. She all has chances to recover. However, the memory is still there.

PrioritAs

Ketika saya tidak menjadi prioritas. Ketika saya mendapatkan sisa atau sedikit dari perhatian yang kamu berikan pada teman temanmu. Saya tahu saya sedih, tapi saya tidak bisa mengutarakannya. Agaknya saya bodoh? Memang, saya memang bodoh. Pun ketika saya menjauh dengan tidak menatap kamu karena saya begitu sakit melihat kamu mengabaikan saya ketika saya ingin kamu perhatikan. Saya ingin mengutarakannya, tapi saya tau kamu sangat sibuk untuk mendengar keluhan saya, ketika saya mencoba memberanikan diri maka kamu akan memberondong saya dengan segala kepintaran logikamu. Dan saya diam lagi, tenggelam dalam penolakan saya. Kamu bahkan tidaak menyediakan waktu untuk sekalipun memahami saya. Selalu saya yang harus paham dengan kamu. Pun ketika saya diam, saya marah. Maka kamu hanya akan mendiamkan saya, tanpa ada usaha untuk memahami saya. Saya kemudian bertanya tanya, apakah saya pelengkap dalam hidup kamu? Setelah semua hal hal pentingmu termasuk teman temanmu? Maka boleh jadi, saya bukan orang yang penting buat mu. Boleh jadi, hanyalah saya yang mencintai kamu. Iya, mencintai kamu.

A time to think, a time to action

I am a bit offended, when you say I have always planning instead of action. I would say later instead of now.

Its not that I am not open to feedback. I do cherish a feedback for improvement.

However, you keep telling that all over, you demand a quick change in a blink of eye.

Just, give me a time to figure this out, to arrange my priority. To think, to act

Balance

when you were younger, you strive to find a way to look older. you would think, you would be considered old enough that way

When you are older, you strive to seek youthfulness in terms of creativity. That way, you will think, it will give variation within your serious life.

Is it wrong? Well, I'd love to call it as 'balance'. We never stay in monotonous life, we are searching for dynamic. We cant stay long in one side. We are always searching balance


Love,

The in-between woman in conference room