Restless

Why should I be restless?
I am determined to be fine then everything is gonna be fine
no doubt

If the time is to let go
Then be sincere
everything is nt my possession
just take it
and please give me strength to be fine

It s okay, I still could breath
anger just for temporary
temper is no need to have

Sincere,
sincere,
and let it go

Confession

I got this status update from my lecture's facebook. It was so touching to read the true confession of love from a mother to her sons. How sweet my lecture shares her love, time, and life during her crazy schedule and duty to share her attention for her students too. May Allah bless her and her sons. May Allah bless my parents too :)

Confession. Yeah, I barely could say or express my feeling for my beloved persons directly. So, that's why I considered this status is so amazing. Confession via media :). Sounds coward? No, each person in this world has his own way to express the feeling. direct or indirect, it s just the matter of style.

"terima kasih ya alif...adit....terima kasih bersedia membagi waktu kebersamaan kita dengan pekerjaan yang harus mamah kerjakan. terima kasih selalu memberikan lambaian tangan...senyuman indah setiap pagi...terima kasih atas 175 ribu % rasa sayang yang seringkali diungkapkan..kalian berdua sesungguhnya sumber kekuatan..i have no words to say how lucky i am to have both of you as my sons..how lucky i am to learn life with you both..the sadness i felt when you grown up and at the same time feel happy...i always love you both...be with you whatever happen, in good and bad...sometimes teach you hard, full of discipline...whatever i ever do thats just because i love you both...completely...feel me like a wind, always with you even when you can't see.."

8 Stories, 8 days, 8th April: 6,7,8 April

Railway Station

I kept thinking. "What should I do then? He come to be real". I spent the night before in the city in my friend's loft. She knew about the story. and she said " He'll come here to confess his feeling I guess,"

I shook my head. " No, he will not'

I was quite sure. I would not forget the things he said to me: "I dont want to be in relationship, especially long distance relationship,'

I was about to be ready, if he somehow didnt want to prolong the story. "Yeah, sooner or later it will come, he will be gone, and perhaps tomorrow is the time"

So there I was, standing with my friend, after he called me, waited for him and his friends. "Restless heart, but hey, he is my friend, nothing to be worried about". Still I couldnt be calm, I was a bit nervous.

Like a slow motion in movie, I could easily recognize him. The guy who appeared to accompany me for almost 4 months...

He said hi, as if nothing happened. Me too, talked to him as if nothing happened.

Travel

he had never been here before. I took him travel around the city along with my friends.

he ignored me. he didn't even see me, he treated me as if I were new to him. He avoided me. So sad. I was deeply sad. Why couldnt he treat me like he treat my other friends? He didnt even try to talk to me about us. I just knew, it was time to let him go.

Couldn't really sleep. Still thinking about what happened during whole day. Yeah, the question was already answered and the answer was no. It was okay. But dunno why I was sad.

He texted me after I was about to sleep, we didnt text each other on that day. 

" Dont forget to take Isya prayer"

I smiled. At least, he still wanted to be my friend. I replied, with no expectation, without any excitement. Realistic as it should be.

7 April

he still treated me as stranger. I treated him as normal. I was tidying up my feeling. I was trying to be sincere,   with no expectation.

The event, the reason he came, was about to be over. I knew it was never gonna happen. He called me out, still remembered his ridiculous face. 

H: "Hey, I was about to go home."

M: "So? Like I care"

H: "Just sit for a while, so what is the answer? I come here rite, you gotta fulfill your promise: you will give the answer only if I come here"

M: " No way"

I was shocked. he remembered. I was embarrassed, he asked the question in front of anyone.

then when everyone was busy with their own bussiness.

We talked. He confessed :)

we were about to go home. he was about to go home. suddenly sad. 

and along the way, he kept asking me about my feeling. I didnt answer. Then,

"Pacaran, yuk?"

Simple. Yeah as simple as that but complicated enough to make butterflies in my stomach flew.

8 April

It's a yes.

8 stories, 8 days, 8th April: Travel

Travel

Travel is the simple chance of reinventing ourselves at new places where we are nobody but a stranger. 

Travel is the discovery of what and who we miss the most. 

Travel is the same pair of jeans for a week and different experiences every day.

Travel is finding new things and new people to miss.

Travel is discovering the part of yourself that you never knew existed before.

Travel is that one song in your iPod that will forever remind you of that one sexy afternoon somewhere.

Travel is the discovery of who misses us the most.

Travel is answering the question ‘business or pleasure’ without blinking.

Travel is deciding who will be the last call before you take off and the first call after you landed.

Travel is a test of your physical and emotional tolerance.

Travel is a one hour conversation that could lead to a lifelong friendship.

Travel is that one boarding pass you keep in your wallet to remind yourself one day when you’re gray and old that you were once cool.

Travel is waking up in a strange bed and feeling home and waking up in your own bed one day and feeling like a stranger.

It’s learning not to take every second for granted.

Travel is learning that the journey is as memorable as the destination.

Travel is discovering that random act of kindness does exist.

Travel is learning to communicate with just a smile.

Travel is not wanting to sleep because for once reality is more interesting than your dream.

Travel is not being afraid to fall in love with a complete stranger.

Travel is where broken English is welcomed with a wide smile instead of greeted by a grammar nazi.

Travel is where people that you talk to really try to understand what you’re trying to say.

Travel is finding out more reasons to write. And more reasons to live.

Travel, sometimes, is the rediscovery of our nationalism.

Travel is that one stranger across the street you will always wonder if he/she is your soul mate.

Travel is wearing those clothes you couldn’t wear back home.

Travel is realizing the things you cannot live without.

Travel is realizing that maybe you know nothing.

Travel is wearing a stranger’s jacket and feeling home.

Travel is meeting you.

8 Stories, 8 days, 8th April: Reinteraction Part 2

10 days, if I counted, we lost contact. Totally lost, as he never tried to reach me back.

"Of course, once I meet him next time, he would be still my crazy friend, nothing is changed, he is still my friend" I assumed on that time

10 days without him? It was bad on couple first days. But then I tried to be sincere, ' He is and will be my friend,'

I had let him go, then I saw him appeared again on facebook. I ensured my self: I am gonna say hi, and go back to where we used to be: friend and forget what happen

Then he apologized for being such a weirdo lately. And there it went away, we cleared those things up unintentionally. We went along again, yeah interaction again :)

8 Stories, 8 days, 8th April: One month

One month

It s not a short time for maintaining such a relationship separated by distance. Maintaining. Yeah, thats what we do. He said, it was easy to be in relationship but it s so hard to maintain it stand still. Can I say I am lucky enough to have him on my side? No, not because what or who he is. It s because I reveal how he really is.  Strong motivated, sincere, hard working, easy going, creative, and the most important: He loves his God which happen to be my God. He is not a perfect guy, indeed. A lot of weaknesses he has, I know. I am not ignoring these just because I'm with him right now. I am not also saying that we are meant to be together. In fact, we often have different mind, thought, or idea. I am not him and he is not me. He barely said I love you or whatever that express his feeling or so, and me neither. So here I am, learning how to deal with differences, learning how to voice my opinion, learning to listen more instead of talk more, above of all: I am learning how to understand another person which happen to fill the 'romance space' in my heart. So, to whom it may concern: Happy one month anniversary. I know one month is too early to say and too short to celebrate. I know you still have to break the curse and I dont know how long we will last together, but you ought to know, somehow if we end in no time, just want you to know that I am so grateful to meet you. So grateful to meet person like you, person who doesn't ignore my weaknesses but remind me to fix those weaknesses, person who is honest for who he is. 


You are the lesson given by God, you are the time dimension that hit me without any notification that doesnt give me time to think but directly take me travel, you are part of my adventure. Yeah, as you said: Travel is meeting you.

"You succeed to devote my self only to be loyal to one person, you. it's funny how I forget my crush, instead remember&miss you all the times, wait for your text and call, see the poster you gave and talk to only one picture like a crazy person" -quarrel and peace- 

8 Stories, 8 days, 8th April: Re-interaction part 1

Facebook

17 August 2011

I know it s been late to say, but I want to say Happy Independence Day for my beloved country :D. Surely I love you more and more as I hate the people inside it more and more #corruptors

I chatted him for uploading the pictures during our time in Thailand. We mocked each other, as usual. I laughed, I missed him of course but still no feeling for him. I just missed my crazy friend. It was just the time in Thailand was over and the reality to go back to college was appearing so real at that time. Thailand was a good fling for the routine things back in college.

8 December 2011

End of year. I was in my friend's home. I moved my finger unintentionally towards him. August was the last time we chatted. Whats for this time I chat him? I wanted to ask him why he was online, was he supposed to be learning for exams? Because my crush was about to have exams. He seemed to be startled. He didnt have any exams. Instead, we were babbling, mocking each other again.  It was funny, we still called intan and syahrul :p. Who started the fire? It was him. He asked me how much boyfriends I had #belagu amat yang punya pacar banyak. I didn't know how it went but he suddenly said ' I am about to know you more. How about that?'. He kept asking. I knew he was only kidding, but still I was startled. I assumed he just had heart broken so he just needed someone to talk to. I agree, I said yes. It was funny how we didnt know each other's number. We knew for almost 5 months. Yeah there was no interaction at all before, no intention at all.

Phone Call, Texts, Chats, Skype

9 December 2011

Never thought he would text me, because I knew he was kidding, plus kindda busy for interview. but he did, he texted me. I still ignored him, he couldnt be trusted.

And the stories go along.

He called me everynight on my exams week.

I realized, he was my morphine during my exams week. Had he intoxicated me? Not quite sure

I got known him more as we interacted more, phone calls, texts, chats, skype were so intense.

I begin to be afraid, how if I gradually fell for him? It shouldnt happen.

17 December 2011

He called me as usual. We were laughing at the first. Then the conversation got serious. I asked him about 'us', about the condition that was not advantageous for both of us, how if one of us begin to depend on each other, and then one of us disappeared without any notification. He answered: i doesnt matter, just go with the flow.

He told the story about 500 days of summer. He was "SUMMER", yeah I posted about him. I thought he messed around. He did. He didnt want to have any relationship. He wanted to have one in 2013, with someone unpredictable and close to him, as Summer did. He never planned to have relationship with me, I concluded. He just wanted to know me more, he said. Then what next? Nothing. Just to get closer. I got mad, did he consider me as only a fling in his busy life? I never imagined to have relationship with him tho, it was just, I don't want be the fling. Then it went out from my mouth, I said something that made him upset.

18 December 2011 at 00.00 am

I sent him something, I knew he got mad.

friendship is a ship that never sink. lets be that ship and dont get mad, i just have my own enigma 

19 December 2012

H: bye

M: "i do apologize for mistakes i ve done. thanks for the lovely 7 days u gave, and phone calls u made that cost u financial problem, it surely loosens me up in facing exams. nothing i could do except pray to Allah to payback your kindness . sure, i do believe u r gonna be great person . if our paths cross again, pls dont change, pls consider me as ur old friend where we laugh&bully each other, believe it/not: that was fun:)"

no reply.  That was it. He was gone, I knew it would happen sooner or later. It was just a matter of time. "What should I do? Say hi to the future, and goodbye to the past"

Cloud

Cloud somehow overshadow
Yeah, could never move on
If it is black, the whole day would be black at all
If it is white, the day would perfectly fun
Cloud precisely protect from the sun ray that burn up
but it is okay not to have cloud?
Especially when the cloud is black?
Is it okay to wish the white cloud?
instead of black white that protects all day?
Cloud cloud cloud
perfectly loud loud loud

8 stories, 8 days, 8th April: I am on KKN

Suratku untuk-Mu yang tercinta

Entah apa yang terjadi padaku, Tuhan. Setiap fungsi sel dalam tubuhku tampaknya tak berfungsi normal.Sepertinya aku gila, entahlah yang jelas yang kurasakan sekarang ada sebuah perasaan membuncah, perasaan bahagia yang menyesakkan dadaku. Ketika perasaan itu membuatku tak fokus, namun bahagia. Aku belum pernah melihat dunia seramah ini padaku. Hal-hal terkecil biasanya membuatku marah, hanya kuanggap angin lalu dan kubalas dengan tawa. Sehebat itukah perasaan yang terjadi padaku? Namun, perasaan itu melemahkanku Tuhan, membuatku tak fokus, namun aku bahagia. Inikah yang disebut fitrah-Mu itu? Sesuatu yang agung yang bahkan otak logikaku kalah telak oleh fitrah ini?  Bukan, aku yakin bukan. Fitrah-Mu jauh lebih agung dari ini. Fitrahmu mengajarkan kekuatan, bukan kelemahan. Sepertinya begitu, tentu saja, Kau pasti tahu segalanya. Kau tahu bahkan ketika aku tak tahu diri, menyalahkan-Mu sewaktu aku kecewa dengan rencana-rencana-Mu? Kau tahu tentu saja, amanah ini tentu besar buatku, amanah ini dapat mengacaukanku yang belum siap dan sedang merangkai cita, menghancurkan perlahan mimpiku untuk membahagiakan orang-orang tersayang. Maaf, aku luput menyadari hal itu.

8 Stories, 8 days, 8th April: Thailand, Interaction

We interact. We barely interact at the first and second day. Too busy to watch and to speak with those different people from around the world. The culture, the conversation, I was so blessed to be there.

No, we actually speak. I tried to get along with him, but he replied, we laughed but that was it. He limited the interaction after no more topics he kept silent. I hated this guy already, and I didnt expect any further friendship from him. I found friends. Friends. We shopped together, spent the night time. Once again so lucky to be there.

Regional Group Meeting

It happened that there was a regional group meeting. He was the RPO. Okay, that proved all, that was why he acted so arrogantly? I didnt know, never care bout that. I was with my friend on that time. We talked last night about who the guy that was attractive. She said him, I said I didnt have any. Why him? She told me the reason. And I said, wow, really? He isnt my type. I think I adore someone that look like my idol from Merlin serial tv. Seriously that guy has a charm that I could kill for :p. 

On that morning, I teased her. "There he is. He is the speaker indeed. You must ve been happy :D". She was like, take pictures of him!. I grabbed my camera. Click-Click, I had pictures of him. I had in my mind: How could she like him? Well, everygirl has her own type, rite?

The other day, General Assembly

Well, it was my turn to like someone there. Simple. Charming. Smart. Religious. Patient. So my type. No one knew that. Secret admirer, I was on that time. Have I thought about the guy I hate? He was sunnah. If he was near me, its okay. if he wasnt, so what? Because I gradually changed my mind about him as my friend changed her mind not to like him anymore. Haha. Yeah, he was a good friend. We talked, we chatted, we laughed, even we bullied each other. He wasnt as bad as I think. I remembered, I brought my brother's blackberry with me. HE asked something about it. I didnt know. I wasnt mine. So he explored my phone, so did I. But it ended that we didnt find what we were looking. The other time, he sat beside me. My BB was sounding adzan so loud. I was starting to panic and directly pull out the components of phone, he saw me strangely: Okay, he seemed like to give a look: Seriously, this girl's behavior is strange. I didnt care.

I didnt mind if he didnt exist

I didnt mind if he didnt exist

Auction Night

I again disrespected him. Why? He left three of his friends, included me in meeting point. It happened that we got bored with auction night. We couldnt see anything from our seat, people too crowded :(. We couldnt see the auction going.

We decided to discover Thailand market. I was about to ask my 'crush' to go out together with us, but no time so we decided to leave him. We reached the traditional market, we separated then, and we agreed to meet up at meeting point. It happened that I and my two friends separated. We finished, and we got bored because the market looked exactly with indonesian market, but cleaner, and more various things to sell. We came back to meeting point, we waited for our rest of friends on this spot. We waited, we chatted, and we bought walls conello ice cream which hadnt been published yet in Indonesia :D at seven eleven.

We captured funny things, all of the students, even highschool babe had a Dora hair cut for a girl and Si Otong hair cut for a boy. Seriously? Gosh, could they find way much cooler to have in school?

Time went by..

We waited
So long... impossible for us to leave the place

they would be so worry and search for us if we are gone, couldnt contact them via phone, we dont have any their Thai number.

Suddenly, someone shouted from Thai traditional transportation, Tuk Tuk.

tuk tuk

"Those are they!"

We shocked in seconds, then we realized, they didnt wait for us, they left us and ride on Tuk Tuk. And you know the most ominous thing? I saw him, wore yellow T-shirt and short, and he went to the back of Tuk Tuk and instead he said something to Tuk Tuk driver, he smiled happily and said " Bye Bye!!!"

What kind of guy was that? I didnt hate him, dont get me wrong. But that made me thought that he wasn't a good guy. So irresponsible and insensitive.

So I took a walk, to Hotel Hat Yai, discovering Hat Yai, with a very bad feeling with my two loyal friends :p.